Be on the lookout for these despicable viruses

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Be on the lookout for these despicable viruses. No current
virus-protection software can even detect these, much less help your
system once they are on it. Beware!!!

Woody Allen Virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter

Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN,
2 if by C:\

Ollie North Virus: Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuaco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Michael Jackson Virus: Preys on child processes.

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

Jane Fonda Virus: Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple

Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other
side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own
motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete
two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

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