The Owner's Guide For Cats
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Humans can be very frustrating pets, but there are simple steps that you can follow to bring them under control. If you follow these instructions, you can have your human trained in no time.
CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven totally unproductive. In order to discourage the water habit, you should wander near the bathroom during one such ritual, then "accidentally" get sprayed with water -- this provides an excuse to scream loudly and scratch everything in sight with all four feet. If this behavior repeated often enough, the human will get the message that water is to be avoided.
COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to understand a proper language. Therefore, you must communicate your points loudly and repeatedly. If at all possible, the best time to make an impression is at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.
FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably about fifteen minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.
MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by up-close and prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.
TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.
Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.