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What's the definition of an accountant?
- Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
- Someone who has a loophole named after him.

What's an auditor?
- Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
- Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

There are three kinds of accountants in the world:
-Those who can count and those who can't.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
- Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
- Depreciation.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem -- I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

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