How to Annoy a Californian


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Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."

Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

When they talk nostalgically about the West, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Billy Bob. . .)

Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."

Put Tabasco on everything.

When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies... banana ones.

Name all of your children "Bubba".

Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

"Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.

Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.

Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations..

Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there. . ." " You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."





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