Top Ten Signs that You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

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10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor sharp rows.

9. The telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace', with pecan crusted hearts of palm and delicate mint- fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in your house has been folded into a swan.

4. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

And the Number One Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart...

1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

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