Kickin' Butt Southern Style

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Fifteen ways to avoid a good southern ass whuppin. Issued by the
Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther
Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.).
Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC,
Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,
Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally
a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll
kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,
Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,
sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke,
Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of
Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the
carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick
your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly
know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with
gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we
know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit,
Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like
it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it
gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are
saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone,
or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR
scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such
things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our
sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners
into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in
filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or
Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our
barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . Minus your ass!

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