Fitness Program

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You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all
sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy
equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything
you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be
done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press
tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs
who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could
be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out
of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this
exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car
and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from
unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're
certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when
your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through
the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs)
Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs,
attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get off your
couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the
Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the
sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up
(we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw.
This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat.
Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must
be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to
the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw
firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a
circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.
WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and
small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are
plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds
are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for
your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A
dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you
least expect it.

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