Terrible, Awful Puns!!
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1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. A three-legged cowboy dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
"I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and
it is served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with
the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plates like chrome for
5. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
7. Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive."
8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the middle of the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
"But why?" they ask, as they moved off.
"Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
10. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a
hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit,
and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set
it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of
the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm
sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
11. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something
to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
12. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
13. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam;
then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's
wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You've got a lot of
stress, you're two tents."
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of twin
goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other twin goes to a
family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But remember they are
twins and once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
And here it is - the last one!!!
15. A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when
the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his
wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure
it was just rain, he said".
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist
party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"
To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."