Noah's Ark Revisited

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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make
it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil
things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of
every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark."
And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the
ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints, "I'm your man." "Six months and it starts to rain," thundered
the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long,
long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in
torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping,
and there was no ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A
lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah. "Lord, please
forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big
problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's
construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire
an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him
about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the
city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince
the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I
needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so
no owls.

Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights
group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when
the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the
ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed
flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction
over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I
sent them a globe! Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint
with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the
country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of
use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "I am too late, the government already has."

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