Bubba Claus

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Be prepared for next Christmas which is only 5 months away. A new
contract for Santa Claus has finally been negotiated. Please read the
following carefully....

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain
that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who
happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe, he dips a little snuff though, so please have
an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus, sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donder and Blitzen" when
Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on
Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty".

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off. The
last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well.
One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and
the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

9. And finally, you will not hear the lovely Christmas songs that have
been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing
Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" This year songs about Bubba
Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the south. Those
song titles will be Mark Chestnut's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox",
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack"
and Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove

Won't be long before Christmas so get ready Y'all.

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

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