Women speak in Estrogen & Men Listen in Testosterone

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When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots' Then
she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting
go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he
will call and say, 'I just called to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But, I want you to know that there's always a chance for us.' This is
known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and 99% of all
men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need.

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function
as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is
a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and
shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of
a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of the items.

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or- less lane.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for weddings and funerals.

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old American sitcoms.

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a
man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy
French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11
or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and
silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that
serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks,
beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a
man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't really

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a
lounge singer named Ramone.

When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just
has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.

Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night
out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the
Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each
other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together
like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just
about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

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