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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with
"Quit while you're ahead"?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me: They were cramming for
their finals!

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is
he still wrong?

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in
terror like the passengers in his car.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

Be nice to your kids. They will be choosing your nursing home.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

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