How to give your cat a pill

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1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if
you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty."
Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down
by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and
pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws
are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.

15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its
mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

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