Job Application


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This is an actual job application submitted to a fast-
food restaurant:

NAME: Greg B

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's
not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and
Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question
here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living
in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO
THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to
prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.





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