Virtual Hilarity

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I work in abusy office where a computer going down causes quite an
inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made
a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has
flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone
here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

"Hey, I just heard you can download the entire Tyson-Holyfield fight
from the Internet," one boxing fan mentioned to another. "Really?"
said the other man. "How much memory does it take up?" "Very little,"
replied the first man. "Just two bytes."

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran
into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's
password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked
eagerly. Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk,

A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he
said I was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to
buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I
told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last
purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my
computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."

Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take
nine months to download."

When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair
shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed
only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings,
he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and
trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked,
"Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my
boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more
money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Bumper sticker: Not tonight, dear. I have a modem.

When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat
rooms,I worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do
schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to
check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered
his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list
of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson
in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your
mother,and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a
reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework right now, and he said I
could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's
been grounded."

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