The Cynic's Dictionary

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AUTHOR A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

BOSS A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to
live in free societies.

CHILDHOOD The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first
arrest on a drug or weapons charge.

DENIAL How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

EXPERIENCE In the working world, something you can't get unless
you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any
more of it.

FITNESS Salvation through perspiration.

GOURMET A food fetishist.

HOOKER A working woman commonly despised by people who sell
themselves for even less.

IDEOLOGUE Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds
fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots. JEANS
Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being
the zits.

KLEPTOMANIAC A thief with breeding.

LABORATORY ANIMALS Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of
science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give
their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

MARTIAL ARTS A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting
largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing
to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is
armed with a semi-automatic.

NEIGHBORS The strangers who live next door.

ORGASM The punchline some women just don't get, generally because
their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.

PARASITE A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of
others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.

QUAGMIRE Any situation more easily entered into than exited from;
e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an
insurance salesman.

REDNECK Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when
addressing one in person.

SMILE To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill
toward a fellow human.

TRAILER PARKS Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast
American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and
tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.

UNWED MOTHER One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father,
without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.

VOTING The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a
curtain, as long as they do it alone.

WHITE SUPREMACISTS The most convincing argument against the theory of
white racial superiority.

Y-CHROMOSOME A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of
virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a
disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

ZOO A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for
depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their
natural habitats.

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