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A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
My grandmother's 90; she's dating a man 93. They never argue: they
can't hear each other.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a
I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what I'd most
appreciate getting. I tell them: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I
care less and less, who goes to bed with whom. (Dorothy Sayers)
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that
it is not.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book,
your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)
Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you've made it
If you're old enough to know better, you're too old to do it.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way
I have everything I had 20 yrs. ago, only it's all a little bit lower.
(Gypsy Rose Lee)
Time wounds all heels.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get
You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so
you don't have to go along.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
I'm getting just like my great-grandchildren -- wearing diapers and
using a walker.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is
that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
My uncle reads the obits every day. He can't understand how people
always die in alphabetical order.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.