Service Oaths


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Service Oaths

US Air Force Oath of Enlistment

I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the
United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and
because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and
take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who
take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real
exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form
of exercise. I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the
United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I
promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I
know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy
the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all
those around me and will at all times besure to make them aware of
that fact. After completion of my be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chairborne Ranger. I will believe I
am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife
before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no
work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will
annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. I consent
to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I
made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me
God.

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US Army Oath of Enlistment

I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the
United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB
to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the
Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will
wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I
can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my
uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to
tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill
Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will
ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge
the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to
maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a
different Army school once every other month and return knowing less
than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I
will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade
sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out
she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking
Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take
her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while
getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work
every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at
1300 to report back to the "company." I understand that I will
undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon
separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends
from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me
$30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't
pass a placement exam. So help me God.
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US Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years
of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with
Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought
the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I
like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of
style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair
of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good
Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter. I
will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world. using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and
head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great
pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and
everything else for that matter, are completely different from the
other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am
buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930
hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that
I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still
not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently
busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected
for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite
possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me
Neptune.


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US Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment

I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight... cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH! So help me Corps.

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