Blind Dates

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Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.

Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to "fix
up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as "perfect
for you".

However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what
these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public
service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive
phrases into plain English:

dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses

fine character:
She's ugly

knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours

spotless reputation:
She's ugly

strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess

loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband

wonderful personality:
She's fat

great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say

the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys

ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry

likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot

lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself

mature woman:
She's at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five

has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager

She dresses like a slob

decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty

a great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes

not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day

doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type

seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something

understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times

a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table

looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds

been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star

traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband

knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her

wonderful disposition:
She's ugly

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