Not raising hogs

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Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for
$1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into
the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with
all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but
if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not
raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business.
He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever
made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check
for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000
the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000
bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and
corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally
unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free

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