The Top 16 Figure Skater Pet Peeves

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16> Mom keeps blowing that airhorn during your performances.

15> Mandatory after-competition drug sampling gets prime time

14> 3 tenths of a point taken away for wearing a helmet. 6 tenths
taken away for cracking head open during the "Death Spiral."

13> TV coverage prevents you from shooting a snot rocket while
waiting for your scores.

12> The sumo wrestlers are usually too drunk to put out.

11> That damn Tara Lipinski thinks they'll just *give* her the
gold medal for sleeping with the President.

10> The unending pursuit to do the never-before-performed
Double Axel Foley.

9> Global live satellite network allows over 4 billion people
to see your monster wedgie.

8> When the women gymnasts snicker, "How's the air up there?"

7> Noise from Oksana's leg cuffs can be distracting.

6> Russian judges blatantly favor women skaters with facial hair.

5> No good place to hide the colostomy bag.

4> Points no longer given for impressive forehead since Scott
Hamilton retired.

3> At 15, you win the gold medal. At 16, you're playing "Wacky
Rabbit" in the Ice Capades.

2> Difficult to hide an excited "Little Skater", if you know
what I mean.

and the Number 1 Figure Skater Pet Peeve...

1> President Clinton always phoning in with the same advice:
"Skin to win!"

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