Chili Cook-off

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Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in my community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because, no one else
wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beerwagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have FREE BEER during the tasting, so I accepted this
as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer
and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili:

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that is the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili:
JUDGE ONE: Smokey (barbecue?) with hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be takenseriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Hemlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer
line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.

She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tatoo under her
eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston
Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili:

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a Uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so i could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of
my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally". Probably behind her
back they call her "Forklift".

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to
taste it ... Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't
have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of
coiled and uncoiled--it's kinda cute.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili gave me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipeline filled gaseous flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she
wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili:

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge number 3,
he appears to be in bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth at one point. Good, at autopsy they'll know
what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our
children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air I will just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's exsistence.
CAMERON: Momma......

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